The Champ's Beirut Proverbs


"If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides"

Beirut is nothing more than a game of triangles. Aim for triangles, leave yourself triangles to aim for later, and remember there is no shame in hitting an unaimed for cup in your target triangle, that's why you aim at triangles.

"Respect Thy Horsemen"

Work from front to back so you're always aiming at a triangle, methodically, efficiently, deadlyly. Leave the back four cups (The Four Horsemen) for after the breakdown. Every one you hit ruins at least one of your target triangles. Never aim for these cups, they're difficult to hit, and you want them full to catch your misfires.

"An inch of time is an inch of beer but you can't buy that inch of time with an inch of beer."

Ration your alcohol intake so you can play many games at a high level. The easiest way to do this is to win so overwhelmingly you hardly have to drink. The other is to take your sweet time drinking and returning the balls.

"When you bury a dead body, don't leave the feet sticking out."

Closing the game isn't the biggest thing in Beirut, it's the only thing. Anyone can throw in five or six cups with a full rack but the great ones are equally consistent down the home stretch.

"A tiger never returns to his prey he did not finish off."

If you miss the same cup three times in a row find a new target. That cup likely has a mental strangle-hold on you'll be long since defeated by the time you finally hit it.

"Sometimes the hardest challenges are easier than the more difficult ones."

When you're up against a Top Tier Player (Karl Malone in Yao Ming's case) it's easier to focus and bring your A-game. Try to summon this focus against all your opponents.

"Water that does not flow is not fit to drink."

Have you ever seen a golfer take his backswing, pause a few seconds at the top, and jerk forward? I have, he was god-awful. The cornerstone of good Beirut mechanics is a smooth fluidity on the release.

"One horse lost may be a herd of them gained."

Don't despair if you hit an empty cup early in a match. Remove the center cup and your opponent will often return the favor many times over.

"My game is like the pythagorean theorem: there is no solution."

Like Shaq, I'm that good.

"Without rice, even the cleverest housewife cannot cook."

Following up on the previous, sometimes your opponent plays so well you hardly get a chance to shoot. Don't get too down, the Champ will always give you another opportunity.

"Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise."

"I play better drunk" are words you'd never hear a Top Tier Player mutter. There's not a single activity alcohol makes you better at in the world, unless it's serving to calm your nerves. And if you're nervous on the Beirut table then you have some issues.

"Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped."

After losing, it's far better to examine your overall commitment to Beirut excellence than any particular moments in said game.

"Health is not valued till sickness comes."

Don't stack your cups on the side of the table. It's unsanitary!

"A creaking door hangs long on its hinges."

Even I'm not really sure what that means.

Doug Louro - "The Oracle" - has emerged as one of the 21st Century's greatest Beirut philosophers. As a special to CTC he has added some of his wisdom below:

The Oracle's Beirut Proverbs

"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free."

I have always been criticized because of my unique shot, thrown much
like a dart. Over the years I have been willing to try new styles, but
there is only one for me. Go with your instinct. When it comes to your
shot, it cannot be taught. You have to think of yourself as that piece
of marble, and you must work to find the shot inside of yourself to
achieve true greatness in the sport.

"For myself I am an optimist - it does not seem to be much use being anything else."

If you go into The Arena showing fear, the lions will eat you alive.
When contemplating a challenge such as the one offered by the Champ, I
cannot help but know I would run away with the match as well as 10 times
the money I had wagered. You know the Champ is confident, you should
be too.

"A poet more than thirty years old is simply an overgrown child."

Like Poetry, Beirut is an art form. And similar to this quote, a
serious Beirut player more than a year out of college is simply an
overgrown child. However, I have found that if you do not exercise your
inner child, he will keep you up all darn night. Play on.

"Try every experience once, except incest and folk dancing."

Every man has to know where to draw the line when under the influence
of alcohol. Despite what the Champ says, Beirut is a game of
drinking. I experienced many nights in which I played the game until I
had nothing left, leaving everything on the table (the next morning I
would often find out that "everything" usually included all shreds of
dignity). This proverb has always kept my head high, making even the worst
decisions seem A-OK.

"A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape."

I am, by most standards, a rather round man. Fitting into the square
roof where The Arena is located will take some time, which is why I
would never expect to win my first challenge there. But do not fret,
the round man will mold. (Note: On 6.16.06 The Oracle was brutalized in his first effort to Challenge the Champ. Can the round man mold?)

"But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common
humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?"

Make no mistake, someone will take the Champ up on the challenge and
win. The angel of the table in Hoboken will be cast out of heaven by
the god of Beirut to be damned to lose for all eternity. And although
he looks down on all who he has defeated already, remember to pray for
him, it will be devastating.

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

If this were true then May 2 would have just been another late night:

2:02 a.m. May 2, S. Seventh and St. George St.


"Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the
room."

Even I don't know what that means.

© 2005 Challengethechamp.com